Resist. Ignore. Run. Hide. Change will find you.
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Changes are a comin’ soon! In fact, changes come all the time, whether we want them or not.
When I speak with people I often call myself not only a “side gig coach” but a “change coach” as that seems to be the best description of what I really do, which is help people get what they want.
One of the best ways for you and I to be of service to the world is to truly be ourselves. Being ourselves requires us to open up and stop being afraid of how the world sees us. Change shows us our true selves.
Change forces us to see where we are not living in alignment with our values; all those little coping mechanisms that we’ve built up over the years begin to crack or break down. Without those protective mechanisms, we are cracked open and vulnerable to the world. We have the opportunity to share our most essential and true selves. When we let our freak, geek, or “leet” flags fly, we open up a whole new world of possibilities.
Resister. Fear Cultivator. Willfully ignorant. Change Seeker. Resilient. Which one is you?
Resisting Change
Nope, that didn’t happen. All is the same as yesterday - nothing different to see here. If you believe otherwise I can tell you all the ways you are wrong. - My “avoiding” brain to me.
Sometimes resisting change looks like living in the past, sometimes it’s a bit more active. When we aggressively resist change, we fight against ourselves and reality. It’s a constant battle. One part of us knows that we are trying to plug the hole in the dam with our thumb. The other part says, this is the only way to keep us from getting wet and the town from flooding. What we often forget is, no matter what, you’re stuck sitting there with your thumb in the dam.
Resisting change takes constant effort. You have to re-engage over and over again. It’s not something you can do once and move on. Think about it, is this change you are resisting is worth you sitting there, day after day, with your thumb in the dam?
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”
Fearing Change
Worry, anxiety, fear of the future. The need to control everything and everyone around us. The expectation that whatever change brings, it will be bad. Always planning for the worst case scenario. Cataclysmic dreams.
When we fear change, we expect that no matter what happens we will be out of control. Bad things are likely to happen and the future is uncertain with probable negative outcomes. We know the worst that is possible and we stay focused on this possibility rather than the others. Maybe we call ourselves “realists” or “practical,” but the reality is that even though we may acknowledge the fact that positive outcomes are possible, our focus remains on the negative.
Not to get all “The Secret” on you, but our brains are naturally wired to follow our thoughts. We use our thoughts as a frame for the choices we make. Fear or a focus on the negative naturally limits our choices by building a limiting framework. When we put emphasis on the things we fear, our minds naturally try to solve that problem and avoid the outcome we don’t want. We stay within that limited frame. Instead of focusing on what we want, we focus on avoiding what we don’t, and this kind of hyper-focus is naturally limited. My question for you is, do you want to spend all of your time avoiding the worst or do you want to take the chance of trying for the best?
Ignoring Change
“Same as it ever was.” - Talking Heads
Have you ever met that person who pretends that things are just as they’ve always been? Are you the person who acts like her partner is the same man she met in school forgetting that he has taken on all these new roles in his life - father, boss, contract worker, lover of triathlons and bad science fiction films? Do you believe that your parents are the same people they’ve always been? Are you shocked when you see them and they seem so old? Or so carefree? Or so interesting, when before they were just, you know, your parents? Do you hang on to old friends or acquaintances who no longer fit your life or meet your needs? Or even worse, are you still spending time with those friends who are actively toxic influences in your life so that every time you meet you need time to recover?
When we ignore change, we are consciously blocking our present. We are not seeing the full reality, but only our small slice. This is naturally a limited, or even completely false, viewpoint. Staying stuck in the past, or in a imagined reality, keeps us stuck - in relationships that don’t serve us, jobs that suck, that bad habit loop sabotaging our health, or with that late 90’s hairdo. Nobody wants that.
The question here is, are you willing to sacrifice being ok right now to a false reality, or are you ready to accept the truth and find some equanimity?
Seeking Change
New, new, different, new. New must be better - new place, new people, new clothes, new me.
Ok - confession time, this is a big one for me. I get a lot of charge out of the new and different and I’ve certainly fallen into the trap of hoping that a new location or phase of life will solve all the problems of being me. In fact, when I was younger, I often moved every two years and looked forward to reinventing myself each time in each place. Now I wouldn’t trade my travels for anything, but I also see the truth in the old maxim, “wherever you go, there you are.” I certainly never changed as much as I liked, never becoming that idealized version of myself that I was sure was right around the next corner. In fact, much of my current practices of journaling, meditating, and taking daily walks are focused on grounding me in the here and now and helping me accept and be ok with the current moment.
Part of my struggle with this concept of seeking change is that Growth is one of my fundamental values. I love to learn, to seek. For me, the fundamental difference between constantly seeking change and growing while still being equanimous with where I currently am, is the practice of acceptance. Yes, it’s a practice as I keep having to work with it, but the alternative is to stay on the hamster wheel, never being ok with my current reality.
“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”
Do you want to always be looking for something, or do you want to appreciate what you have right here and right now?
Accepting Change
Acceptance is not a passive experience, but meeting change with vigor and intention. And doing it again and again. When I am in a place of acceptance, everything smooths out. I can see the reality of the situation, make conscious choices. I accept what I can change and what I cannot, and know that somehow, all will be well, not letting change knock me flat.
Instead of fearing, ignoring, or desperately seeking, you and I can just make a choice and accept the changes that come into our lives.
Let the change come like a wave and roll right over you. When you learn to surf the tide, anything is possible.
“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.”
How do you want to ride the waves of change in your life?